Poem - In Line with Your Step

Emerging Lifelines: A Series of Poetry, Vol. 1.

Title: In Line With Your Step

Author: Tanys Kowalski

Created: February 2018

I fell in line with your step

not knowing you were watching me.

It became so natural, so easeful,

to settle into your stride.

It disgusted me.

This shouldn’t have been so comfortable

falling in line, becoming a part of your world

your dark, dangerous world.

I longed for the days to be with you

to hold your heart in my hand

to shape into to what I know you needed.

But not like this.

The steps were too far from where we needed to go,

where we needed to be.

You took me further away from myself.

It broke me.

to have you hold me in your pain

to cry inside, but never with me

to breakdown, but never breakthrough.

It wasn’t your fault.

But I felt it, believed it.

Couldn’t trust you.

Couldn’t fix you

no matter how hard I tried.

I didn’t want this to be my forever.

My forever was supposed to have smiles and laughter

with beautiful, intense desire is what I was after.

If only you would’ve tried

But you, too, were lost.

Too lost to come back to me, to us

no matter how hard I tried.

I breathed your lies.

I wore your mask.

I slept with your nightmares,

because I loved you.

You couldn’t love me.

Controlled by anger,

fueled by fear,

destroyed by grief,

the only pattern you knew how to commit to.

I watched our story burn down

The ashes didn’t have time to reach the ground

Before I lost what little spirit I had left

I burnt out, too

I couldn’t love you and myself at the same time

Because I loved you for so long that I forgot to love myself.

I suffocated in your suffering

I fell in line with your step

not knowing this is how it was going to be.

What a vicious cycle it was,

to receive the backlash of your wounds

Constantly split open by insecurities

Trying so hard to stay on track

Not fall off the bend

Too hard to mend, otherwise

Afraid of this life intertwining with my past

Tumbling, falling, crashing fast

So exhausted, tattered, torn

Shadows of deflection

A moment of reflection

Of who I used to be

So afraid of the woman who appears in the mirror before me

Who I so desperately want to be different

This cannot be, will not be, the broken me

Too exhausted, tattered and torn

Too bruised and ached to morn

The woman I desperately try to hide

When the tears flow from the corner of my eyes

I fell in line with your step

Not knowing it was you, it was me

It was everything we never wanted to be.